I startled awake from a long night of drinking in my dorm room at 55 John St with a splitting headache, wild hair, and still wearing my rumpled clothes from the night before. The singular button-down, white, that I had brought from home had been customized with a mysterious beige stain.

Was it vomit or something else? No matter, I thought, and then said to myself, Man, am I hungry.

Being a 20 year-old college student with approximately no money living in the most expensive borough (Manhattan) of the most expensive city in the United States, and also addicted to my smartphone, means that I am particularly susceptible to digital marketing tactics, including coupons and rebates.

There it was, an ad on my for you page, the holy grail: an app that promised to pay me to eat. And apparently I could use code “nycchipotle” for $10 at Chipotle. I handed over my data as fast as I could and the code didn’t work.

Claim, which debuted on the App Store 7 months ago and is owned by Wonder, gives rebates for food purchases at select restaurants that come in the form of a Venmo payment days later.

Wonder’s copycat Chipotle, El Diez Mexican Bowls, caught my eye. If I couldn’t have genuine Chipotle, at least I could have a neutered version, I thought. I placed the order on my phone and plodded over to their Financial District location, situated 1 minute away from the former New York Cocoa Exchange.

I got my food and made eye-contact with the clerk, violating the architectural guidelines of the too-low window and the social contract of the slop loading dock.

I would weigh it for you, but I do not own a scale and must consume.

The bowl was of the regular proportion and was not as delicious as genuine Chipotle.

As I ate in the clean Wonder food depot, I contemplated the life and deaths of the animals that were slopped, without adequate seasoning, into the unholy amalgamation I now feasted upon, ravenously and fervently shoveling every component down my esophagus, regardless of whether I could tell what animal it originally was, I didn’t care, I am the animal, I am Slop King.

Feeling as though I might spittle onto my shirt because my stomach had reached its volumetric capacity for food, I thought to myself, Did I really get away with it?

I am unsure whether I got away with it. I have no idea whether this is allowed by the usage provisions or terms or conditions of the apps used in the slop scheme or whether I will receive the rebate as promised–I don’t care–my only desire is medium quality slop bowls, I am Slop King.

Update Jun 6, 2026 3:43 AM:

Claim did not automatically send me a Venmo payment, as promised, representing a serious breach of trust between Claim and I. It might also be their business model: trick consumers into buying food and then failing to reimburse them automatically, counting on some people not writing in. They finally handed over the $15 after I contacted them for a manual review.

Nea, a food reward app which uses the .ai top-level domain and sends payments using Venmo, also failed me. They did not automatically send me a Venmo payment within the 48 hour window described in their website copy, and only relented when I wrote them by email. Federico, a Nea support rep, chalked up the delay due to “a high volume of transactions.”